Juice WRLD reported alive, wants to "fucking quit his job"

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The young and famous rapper Juice WRLD, best known as another guy worshipped by black guys with nothing else to do with their fucking lives, has been reported alive on the outskirts of Chicago. He sent us a video requesting we do not disclose his location or his face but rather tell everyone he's alive and what he's been up to. We turned it into a transcript for the purpose of this article.

"Hi. My name is Jarad Higgins, better known as Juice WRLD. You may have seen the reports about me being dead after taking pills in a half-assed attempt to hide them from police officers searching private jet. It was hands-down the shittiest thing my dumbass mind could ever fucking think of. But you may be wondering, how did I survive if the drugs killed me? Simple, I had some of my buddies pull me out while I was knocked out and replaced with a decoy they already poisoned. I was in a coma for about a month. When I woke up I made a vow to never go back to rapping again. After they explained to me what happened, that is.

Anyway, long story short, after all I've been through, I want to fucking quit my job and start a new life, the right way. To start, I am legally changing my name to Drew P. Weener.

Before I sign off I'd like to say thank you to all my fans, I know you enjoyed my music, but unfortunately I am getting the fuck outta here! I'm hitting the town! WOO! So long suckers!"

*Recording ends*

And there you have it, Juice WRLD is alive and well and is off the rapping career for good. Maybe he'll do something worthwhile for once instead of screeching absolute garbage.


Written by: Uve Ben Nomed
Edited by: Amanda Huggenkis
Published on January 19th, 2020

This is a satirical website. Don't take it Seriously. It's a joke.